


Slick

by GroovyCat18



Category: Homestuck, Shrek (Movies)
Genre: F/M, How Do I Tag, Parody, Romantic Comedy, You'll know them when you see them - Freeform, mayor mostly takes on the role of donkey, signless is himself, the friendsim trolls will be described but I'm not sure if i'll refer to any by name
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-11
Updated: 2019-09-25
Packaged: 2020-10-14 07:55:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,115
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20597330
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GroovyCat18/pseuds/GroovyCat18
Summary: Once upon a time, in a far away forest, there lived a Dersite Carapacian named Spades Slick whose precious solitude is suddenly shattered by an invasion of annoying trolls, humans, carapacians and leprechauns. They were all banished from their homes by the evil Grand Highblood. Determined to save their home -- not to mention his -- Slick cuts a deal with Highblood and sets out to rescue Princess Paint to be the Highblood's bride. Rescuing the Princess may be small compared to her deep, dark secret. Can Spades Slick, along with the help of an annoying carapacian who insists he's the mayor of Can Town and a mutant-blooded troll whose goal is to make peace with the highbloods, succeed in their quest?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is a story parody idea I've had in my head for a while and now I've finally decided to type it up! Hopefully I'll write the characters very well, cause this is basically my first Homestuck fanfiction. If not...HELP ME!!!

The sun was starting to rise up into the sky, basking the world in its golden glow. The terrain it chose to shine on was a large and dark forest. It's branches were so long and the trees were so closed in together that sunlight only managed to get through a few small gaps between the smaller branches, but a good amount of light managed to make it's way onto a large sandy clearing, where a fairly big, black house stood. Inside the house, it was pitch dark save for one lit candle, and a silhouette of a man sat in a chair, opening a worn book and read the first few pages aloud to himself:

"Once upon a time there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only be broken by love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon and a strong canine-like angel. Many brave knights had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but none prevailed. She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower for her true love and true love's first kiss...Ugh! Why do all these stupid fairy tales center around love?! This is all fucking bullshit!"

A book was thrown through a window, shattering the glass to bits and landed with a splash into a scum-filled pond, and soon after the owner of the house slammed the front door open and stepped outside.   
He had black skin, as black as the black chess pieces on a chessboard, with white eyes that were shifted into a seemingly permanent glare. Well, one was; his left eye had a long thin scar over it and was covered by a white eyepatch. He also donned a black suit (which was missing the left sleeve) and a black fedora, and sported a mechanical left arm. His name was Spades Slick, a Dersite Carapacian, the only person that resided in the dark forest...which was how he preferred to live.

The Dersite pulled out his Cast Iron Horse Hitcher, one of his most favorite weapons, and said to himself, "Let's get this day over with."

Slick's first order of business was to attain food for himself. He spotted a large white deercat, grazing on some grass not too far from his home. When one saw such a creature, they would usually take in the majesty of it's appearance and admire it from afar, not a single thought of killing it crossing their mind. If it's unique beauty didn't deter the person from slaughter, usually it's the fact that there's a chance the animal could be the lusus of a troll grub, probably a bronzeblood. Frankly, Slick didn't give a fuck about either of those. He jumped out of the bushes at the animal and bludgeoned it with his weapon until it's skull was nearly completely crushed and bronze blood pooled out onto the grass.

After getting the meat home, Slick decided to use some of the blood that had ended up on his hands to paint new "Stay Out" or "Get Lost" signs to set up around his woods. Not many people were aware that something other than animals occupied the area, so Slick had to make it a point to show that it was indeed inhabited...and by something that was not too keen on unwanted company, or any company at all.

One sign he was especially proud of was a sign that depicted his face (crudely drawn) and the words "STAY THE FUCK OUT!!!" It was the first sign he had ever made when he moved to the woods, and it pretty much did the trick of keeping people out. Well, most of the time it did.

There were some people who make daring attempts to go into his forest, mostly to capture him, such as tonight. A small group of human villagers had ventured into the woods, armed with pitchforks and torches.  
Slick was relaxing in his home at this point, having just enjoyed his meal of deercat meat, when he heard the hollering of said intruders approaching his property. He slipped out his backdoor, circled around the trees and stalked after the group.

The group of humans crept through the forest, until one pushed aside some branches that revealed Slick's house.

"Well, there it is," one of them said. "There's a light on so he should be inside."

"Are you sure this is a good idea?" one of the other humans asked. "I've heard stories about this Dersite. Or well, Desite Carapacians in general. While their Prospitian counterparts are extremely peaceful and friendly, these guys are the exact opposite! They'll stab you in the back, drain your blood from your body and drink it like wine!"

"The stabbing in the back thing is probably correct, but the drinking blood is something only Jadebloods do," the leader stated. "Stop worrying. We have this guy outnumbered 5 to one. We'll catch him and we'll rake in the rewards!"

The group of five proceeded to head into Slick's front yard...well, actually it was group of four now since without alerting the group, Slick had crept up behind one of the men in the far back and stabbed him in the back, covering his mouth to prevent him from crying out in agony. 1 out of 5 intruders dead.

One of the other humans was circling around Slick's house, peering through the windows. There was indeed a candle lit inside the house, but there was no sign of the murderous owner. Perhaps he was on one of the upper floors? The leader needed to be informed of this in case the monster had spotted them enter his territory. 

He turned around to walk away from the house...only to see a pair of glowing white eyes staring at him. Slick used his knife to slash the man's throat open, causing blood to spray out onto his face. The man dropped his torch and pitchfork and collapsed to the ground. 2 out of 5 intruders dead.

The third human was walking around the area surrounding Slick's home, checking to see if the Dersite may be wandering outside. He was also waiting on the human that was supposed to look through the windows of the house to see if he was actually inside. He had been gone for quite a while, to the point that the man was starting to get worried. 

Then, he heard a twig snap behind him, prompting the man to turn around asking, "Fred, is that you?" Within a second, the man's head was lying on the ground, and his headless corpse had collapsed into the dirt nearby. 3 out of 5 intruders dead.

The fourth human was walking around the woods, keeping an eye on the house. He had heard that this Spades Slick had very keen senses and would hear when an intruder marched onto his territory. That's all anyone knew about him back in the village. 

The man's heart beat quickly and sweat began to drip off his forehead. He debated whether or not to meet up with his friends and suggest making a run for it, since based on all the stories about the violent Carapacian, even if they do have him outnumbered, they'd all still die. Who cared about the money! He cared more about his own life!

Then, he heard a twig snap behind him, prompting him to turn around, waving his torch, shouting, "Who goes there!" 

A large white lion with two mouths stood a couple of yards away from him, glaring from the light of the small flame. The man yelped and began to run away from the creature. He had heard these animals, called meowbeasts by trolls, were very aggressive and were no stranger to feasting on human flesh. The man ran towards the exit of Slick's territory, until suddenly, his foot caught on something and he fell to the ground. He flipped onto his back and looked up just in time to see Slick raising up his Horse Hitcher. 4 out of 5 intruders dead.

The last human, the leader, had surveyed the entire area, but found no sign of Spades Slick...or any sign of his friends for that matter. He grasped his torch and the handle of his pitchfork tightly, readying himself in the case of a surprise attack. Even if his other friends were dead or hopefully decided to flee, he could still take Slick in. All the Dersite Carapacians he knew that weren't Slick were smaller than adult humans, and honestly, weren't too strong, so he must have some sort of good chance of victory. 

He stood proudly and marched through the clearing...until he spotted the silhouette of a body lying on the ground. He slowly stepped towards it and shone his torch onto it, where he cried out in horror. Lying on the ground was one of his allies, the very ally who was unsure about the mission to kill Slick, who had gotten Dersites and Jadebloods confused. However, the only way the leader knew it was him was because of his clothing; his face was completely smashed in!

Before the human could holler out for his other allies, Spades Slick jumped right in front of him and stabbed him through the chest with a sword. 5 out of 5 intruders dead. Slick smirked to himself and began to collect the pitchforks and torches off the dead bodies. He needed more firewood and weapons anyway. 

As he picked up the spoils, he noticed a slip of paper shoved into the leader's pocket. He picked it out and unfolded it, revealing to be a poster of some sort, that read: LOWBLOOD PEOPLE WANTED. RANGING FROM LOWBLOOD TROLLS [BURGANDY, BROOZE, YELLOW, OLIVE, AND JADE], HUMANS WITH EYE COLORS THAT COINCIDE WITH THE TROLL HEMOSPECTRUM [RED, ORANGE, LIGHT GREEN, DARK GREEN], CARAPACIANS OF ANY SORT AND LEPRECHAUNS. REWARD MONEY VARIES FROM CREATURE TO CREATURE. HUGE REWARD GIVEN TO PERSON WHO TURNS IN A MUTANT-BLOODED TROLL!

"The fuck is this shit?" Slick asked himself, before tossing the paper aside.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Here's the next part of the story, where if you remember from the Shrek film, is supposed to be the scene that shows all the fairy tale characters being sold away, only in this case it's lowblood trolls, humans, carapacians and leprechauns. 
> 
> I've had to change some bits in order for the story to make sense while still pretty much follow the movie.

The next morning, on of the outskirts of the woods, a teal-blood troll with long black hair, part of it tied up into a small ponytail and long bangs that were arranged to cover one eye sat at a table before a large crowd of people. About a third of the crowd were highblood trolls and humans, while the other two thirds were lowblood trolls, humans and Carapacians, all bound in either ropes or chains.

The teal-blood's job today was to pay each troll and human who brought one of the now-exiled beings in, and to make sure that the exiles were sent away to their designated location. They had several carts and plenty more chains to contain the lower lifeforms, plus several chests of money in which to pay the sellers with.

One chest was kept aside, ready to be given to the highblood or human who had managed to capture the rare mutant-blood troll, who was known by many as the Signless.

"Okay!" the young man hollered. "Everyone form a line and I'll take your catches and give you your deserved rewards! Should we run out of money before we get to you and your catch, you'll be written a check that should be handed over to the bank of the Kingdom of the Grand Highblood!"

Soon, a long line was formed and one by one, each hunter handed over their captive and attained some wealth. 

The majority of the catches were Carapacians, as they were pretty easy to get ahold of, especially for humans. Some had one Carapace, while others had two or more. One even got a hold of a whole family!

There were also lowblood trolls-burgundy, bronze, yellow, olive and jade-which were captured by other trolls as they were the only ones strong enough to do so. If a human were to attempt to catch a troll, even in a group, they would surely die. Jade-bloods were worth the most, since they were rarer than the other lowbloods.

There were also lowblood humans, which were oddly being exiled not for their blood color, but for their eye color-red, orange, light green and dark green. This rule seemed rather odd to the humans but made sense to most highblood trolls, who were the ones that usually ended up catching them. Highblood humans-or humans with blue, light blue, purple or pink eyes-that had chosen to abduct Carapacians to sell, received judging glares from the so-called lowblood humans, but many ignored them.

So far, nobody had caught any leprechauns, but they knew of one man that had approximately 14 in his control, plus a Dersite Carapacian and a burgundy-blood troll, and rumor had it that he was due to make a stop at the auction.

Everyone, including the leader and the other royal guards, kept a look around the crowd, to see if someone had managed to catch the Signless and turn him in for the huge chest of money. So far, none of the captured trolls seemed to stand out.

Among the line, one blue-blood troll stood with a small Dersite Carapacian, who had a rope around his neck and wore a dark gray cloth around his body and head, plus black cables fashioned into a sort of sash, that had a paper label stuck on that read "MAYOR", though the "r" appeared to have them drawn on. The Dersite looked around anxiously, as many of his kind were handed over to the guards for mere boondollars and shoved into carts and cages to be transported away.

Up ahead, one troll had a bronze-blood with wide bullhorns and wings, who went for a lot more money than a normal bronze-blood did, due to his mutation.

There was also a young girl who may have been about 13, who had long black hair and light green eyes, who was crying as she and an elderly man were forced into a cage while a troll collected their reward. A few humans, both free and caught, watched the scene helplessly, a secret desire to do something but couldn't due to the overwhelming strength of the troll guards.

The Dersite frowned. What was happening was not right! People shouldn't be exiled for having a different blood or eye color, or complete appearance! They should all live in the same town and get along with everyone! And anyone who was mean to them because of their differences should be punished for doing so and taught the errors of their thinking!

The Dersite looked up at the blue-blood and said, "Please Mr. Xigisi! Surely you don't really wish to sell me into exile! This new law the Grand Highblood passed is very unnecessary and I believe one should protest this act of injustice!"

The blue-blood rolled his eyes, "Be silent, you lowly creature! The law is the law and I am more than happy to follow it, and I am plenty more than happy to get rid of you!"

"But I wasn't that much trouble to you, was I? I always tried to treat you with the most respect! I'll never bother you again if you don't sell me away!" the Dersite pleaded.

"I order you to shut up!" Xigisi snapped. "Everyday I was distracted from my precious work because of you and your stupid Can Town! Finally, I'll get some peace and quiet!"

A little bit ahead of the two, a handcuffed troll wearing a gray hooded cloak glanced back at the Dersite and blue-blood, frowning. The little Carapacian was speaking the truth; what was happening here was not right at all. Alas, for now, nothing could be done about it.

Very soon, cages and carts began to fill up with lowblood trolls, humans and Carapacians, and once a few were completely full, they were taken away from the area and empty ones arrived to take their places.  
Soon, the hooded troll and his catcher were at the desk. The troll that had brought him in was a cerulean-blood female who had three eyes.

"What kind of lowblood troll did you bring in?" the leader of the guard asked.

The cerulean smiled and said, "I was originally going to have my lusus suck his blood out but then I found out about your little reward for him, so I decided to bring him in. I have here the mutant-blood, Signless!"

As soon as she proclaimed the name, several people gasped and began to murmur among themselves. A few of the lowblood trolls that were already locked up looked at the troll worriedly. Surely Signless couldn't have gotten captured so soon?

"Really?" the teal-blood said with a grin. "Prove it."

"Gladly," the troll smiled, before using her sharp nails to scratch at the troll's arm. The male hissed in pain as candy red blood dripped from the wound. Several trolls, both guards and exiles, gasped.

The teal-blood smiled and exclaimed, "Well, it would seem that someone has finally managed to capture this freak. Congratulations, ma'am, your reward is in that large chest over there."

The cerulean-blood cackled when she saw the chest of boondollars, "Ahahahaha! I knew turning you in would be worth it! Ahahahaha!"

Signless winced as he was escorted towards the troll cages and his former captor used her mind control powers to will two of the guards to carry her chest of loot back with her.

One of the trolls, a yellow-blood with two pairs of thin pointed horns, shouted, "Signless, is that really you?!"

"Yes Psiionic, it's me," Signless replied. "It would seem that I failed to evade capture. My apologies."

"Don't worry about it," a olive-blood with horns shaped sort of like cat ears said. "I'm sure you'll figure out something to fix all this."

The Signless nodded, but in all honesty, he wasn't sure if there was a way to fix this issue.

Before he could be locked in the same cage with the trolls, the leader commanded, "No! Don't put him in with the others! They might try to conspire a plan to escape if he's with them! Put him in his own cell!"

The guards nodded and led the troll to a cage very far from the other troll ones, where he was uncuffed and locked inside.

Signless sighed and sat on the floor cross-legged, awaiting his fate whatever should it be.

Soon, one of the other guards approached his cage. They were shorter than he was, and had lighter gray skin, so they must've been at least 7 sweeps old. 

The guard whispered, "I'm very sorry that this happened to you, Signless."

Signless raised an eyebrow, but soon smiled, recognizing the guard's voice. "I know you; you're Terezi, Redglare's descendant and one of my descendant's friends."

"Yeah, I took a job to help with locking up the exiles in the hopes that I'd see you. Where's Karkat? I haven't seen him since before all this bullshit started," Terezi stated.

"Karkat is safe. I arranged to have his lusus take him somewhere far, far away," Signless stated. "I'm uncertain as to when they'll be back. Hopefully when all this passes."

"Hopefully. I don't like this new law one bit," Terezi admitted softly before stepping away from the cage.

The Dersite stared at the lone troll. So that was the Signless! He hadn't honestly thought he'd get caught, or sold to the same auction area as he was! Perhaps he'll have a plan on how to escape this madness and fix things!

Soon, it was the Dersite and blue-blood's turn at the desk.

When the teal-blood saw Mr. Xigisi, he laughed, "Well Xigisi! I never thought I'd see you here, especially with such a meager exile to turn in."

"Do not mock me, Gorjek. I'm only here to turn this Carapacian in because he lived nearby and was incredibly annoying!" Xigisi snapped.

"And who might this Carapacian be?" Gorjek asked.

"Ugh," Xigisi said, grimacing. "The Mayor of Can Town. Population him...and these ridiculous cans."

Xigisi then dropped a huge burlap sack of cans onto the table, which was full of canned food and Tab.

When Gorjek saw the bag he began to cackle, "Are you serious!? Oh my gog!"

Xigisi groaned and the Mayor shuffled his feet, feeling a little embarrassed that the teal-blood was mocking him.

Once Gorjek stopped laughing, he said, "Alright, that Carapacian will be worth 200 boondollars. I'll have him and his 'citizens' thrown into a cage immediately."

One of the other guards ran up to him and stated, "Uh sir, we just had the last cart of Carapacians taken away. It'll be a while until an empty one shows up and we can lock this one."

"What! Oh for the love of..." Gorjek groaned until Signless spoke from his cage, "If you're concern is keeping him somewhere so he won't risk escape, put him in my cell. I wouldn't mind the company."

Before Gorjek could decline the offer, Xigisi said with a smirk, "Actually, do put the Dersite in with the mutant. Perhaps he'll drive him insane like he nearly did me. That should be amusing."

Gorjek grinned, "Yes, that would be a suitable idea. Lock up the Mayor with the Signless!"

The guard grabbed the Mayor's rope and dragged him to Signless's cage, where he and his bag of cans were tossed inside. The rope was cut from his neck and the door was soon shut. The Dersite stood up and dusted himself off before looking at his fellow inmate.

"So, you're really the Signless?" he asked.

"Yes. You've heard of me?" Signless said, tilting his head.

"Yes! Everyone knows how you're rebelling against the highbloods to create peace for everyone in this country," the Mayor stated. "I'd really like to see some peace and order in this world we live in."

The Signless smiled, "I'm glad to hear that. So tell me about this 'Can Town' of yours?"

"Can Town is a very lovely place! All cans are equal, whether they're a food can, soda can, empty can or full can," the Mayor explained. "And rather than being run by a monarchy, it's run by democracy."

"Why democracy?" Signless asked.

"I detest kings! They make the people do all the work for them rather than work with them," the Mayor answered, raising his head high. "Democracy promises that the leader and people work together to make the place prosper. That's how I wish to run a country, or a town at least."

Signless smiled, "I see. With that mindset, perhaps one day you'll have a real Can Town to preside over."

The Mayor nodded, smiling. Mr. Xigisi always spoke down to him about his ideals but this troll seemed to understand him more. Signless really was a kind person!

After another long while, one large figure approached the desk. He was tall, had a green skull head, red circles on his cheeks, had a lot of muscle and a peg leg. He was being followed by a group of leprechauns who were busy keeping a burgundy-blood troll with ram horns restrained. A tall Dersite female stood nearby, observing everything.

When the large man approached Gorjek, the teal-blood became wide-eyed and began to sweat.

"Ah! Lord English! An honor to make your acquaintance!" he exclaimed.

"I'm here to sell my Handmaid," Lord English said, pointing at the troll.

"Ah yes, I was expecting you to come by with her," Gorjek said with a smile. He then looked over the leprechauns and Carapacian, where he whispered, "I also wanted to have a word with you about your other minions."

"What about them?" Lord English growled.

Gorjek jumped but kept his smile, where he said, "Follow me over here for a moment, so they won't hear us."

He led the Cherub away from the desk and towards the cages, a little close to where Signless and the Mayor were. 

"Now, I'm not sure if you were aware, but the Grand Highblood's ban on inferior races included leprechauns and Dersites," the teal-blood stated.

"I was thinking you'd make an exception for me because of my status," Lord English replied.

"Believe me, I'd love to, but the law is the law," Gorjek said, his legs shaking a little. "You need to hand them over."

Lord English glared down at the teal-blood, and for a moment, Signless was sure that the young troll would faint.

"Who is that beast?" the Mayor asked.

"Lord English, a very powerful Cherub," Signless stated. "If you as much as piss him off slightly, you're already dead."

The Mayor shivered and stared at the monster standing not too far from their cage.

Gorjek finally uttered out, "It's not like you won't be compensated. You'll receive a huge sum of money for them!"

"How much?" Lord English asked.

As the troll spoke to the Cherub, the Felt watched from a distance.

"What do you think they're talking about?" Itchy asked. "Selling a troll should be easy. Just hand her over and get the money."

Clover looked up at their troll captive and suggested, "Maybe the boss is trying to negotiate for a bigger price. Handmaid is a powerful psychic. She has to be worth more than a standard burgundy-blood."

Handmaid made a small growl that caused the little leprechaun to jump back.

Snowman watched the Cherub and troll barter, and soon narrowed her eyes at them. Something was starting to not feel right. She noticed the troll kept glancing at them; not just the Handmaid but ALL of them. She had heard that the ban included Carapacians and leprechauns, but Lord English had stated that he wouldn't give them away so easily. Perhaps the teal-blood was trying to convince him otherwise. 

Needless to say, she didn't want to stick around to figure out what would happen to her. She vanished before the everyone's sight.

"Hey! Why'd Snowman leave all of a sudden?" Clover asked.

"Well, that was a little...weird," Crowbar said. "Probably got bored and decided to head back to the manor."

Gorjek, seeing the woman leave, muttered, "Oh damn, it seems the Dersite caught wind of what we were discussing. Oh well, I'll still give you the cash for the rest of them."

"You'd better," Lord English snarled.

Gorjek nodded and soon rounded up all the troll guards. Two of them approached the leprechauns and took the Handmaid from them. "We'll get her locked up immediately. You just...stay here for a few moments," one of them said.

The Felt handed over her chains and she was soon lead away to the cage of trolls.

"Well, now since that's over with, should we head back to the manor boss?" Crowbar asked the Cherub.

Lord English stared down at the leprechaun before saying, "I will head back to the manor. You're all staying here."

"What?" Crowbar said, as Lord English walked away with a huge chest of boondollars.

Soon, the troll guards began to surround the group, where Itchy muttered, "Guys, I think I know why Snowman left."

"Shut up, Itchy," Stitch groaned, rubbing his eyes.

"Grab them!" Gorjek commanded and all the troll guards lunged at them.

The Felt made a desperate attempt to keep themselves from getting caught, which soon became quite a spectacle to witness: 

Itchy bolted all over the area, trying to keep away from the soldiers and figure out how to escape with his friends before being tripped and tied up with heavy chains; 

Die pulled out his doll, about to hop to another timeline but got tackled to the ground and having his juju wrenched from his hand before he could stick a single pin in; 

Crowbar actually made good progress with keeping guards at bay using his namesake weapon, before a bigger troll grabbed him from behind and confiscated his weapon; 

one guard struck Sawbuck on the head with a club and the two suddenly vanished for a few minutes, until the same guard suddenly walked in from the forest dragging the fat leprechaun, who sported a few more bruises on his head; 

Eggs made multiple doomed copies of himself to overwhelm the guards until someone managed to snatch his egg timer from him and kill his doomed clones; 

Quarters had pulled out his minigun, about to shoot up the place, until to big trolls tackled him to the ground and wrestled the firearm away from him;

and Cans threw punches at several guards, who all promptly vanished as soon as his fists touched them, before finally getting apprehended.

In the end, all the members of the Felt got captured and thrown into a large cage together. All the members except for ONE.

Clover was still free, scampering all over the place, successfully evading every single attempt of capture the soldiers made towards him.

His friends began hollering at him, all different commands

"Clover! Quit tantalizing the guards and get out of here!"

"No! Get the keys first and then get us out of here!"

"Run Clover! Run!

"Oh for christ's sake why is he still taunting them?!"

Clover then managed to snatch the keys off of one guard's belt and ran over towards the cages. He wasn't really sure which keys were to which cage but with his luck the first he'd try would be the correct one. Perhaps a sudden jailbreak of all the trolls and humans would be enough to distract the guards while he escaped with the rest of the Felt...

He stuck a key into Signless and the Mayor's cage and was about to turn it when someone grabbed him by the back of his shirt and yanked him away.

He looked back to see it was a cerulean-blood troll with one good eye and a mechanical arm who sneered, "Luck may be your greatest power but I have ALL the luck in this country."

She shoved Clover into a little cage which she then promptly threw into the big cage with the rest of the Felt, who either looked angry or frightened.

The Mayor frowned sorrowfully and said, "How sad that they got sold away by their own master. They must feel terrible right now!"

Signless nodded in agreement and his attention soon drew to the key stuck into their cage lock. The cerulean-blood seemed to have failed to remember it was stuck in, so he reached his hand through the lock and turned the key, where he soon heard a click!

"Luck may have run out for that little leprechaun, but it has refilled for us!" he whispered to himself excitedly.

He threw open the door and said, "Quickly, Mayor! Follow me!"

The troll ran out of his cage and into the woods, being followed by the Dersite who lugged his precious bag of cans.

"The Signless is escaping!" one of the guards shouted.

"After him!" Gorjek commanded.

Signless and the Mayor ran through the woods, the highbloods hot on their tails, unsure of what their destination is.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How well did I do in portraying the Signless? I know a lot of people portray him in different ways in their works, but I'm curious if I wrote him in a way that a lot of people would picture him being like.


	3. Chapter 3

Signless and the Mayor maneuvered around the trees and shrubs of the forest, trying to escape from the highblood guards, who were hot on their heels.

"Mr. Signless! I don't think we'll be able to lose them!" the Mayor cried, feeling his legs starting to grow tired.

"We must not slow down! If we do, they'll cull us for attempting escape," Signless told the Carapacian.

"Cull us?" the Mayor asked, not familiar with the word. He's heard Mr. Xigisi threaten him with that fate, but he never really learned what it meant.

"KILL us," Signless defined, prompting the Dersite to yelp.

They continued on their path, hoping soon the soldiers will lose sight of them, but soon they came upon a sign. They both paused to look at it: To the Mayor, it looked like it was done in paint but Signless could smell the blood on the wooden boards. It read in burgundy "STAY THE FUCK OUT OF MY WOODS!!!" and an image of an angry Dersite face was drawn below it.

The Mayor was very confused as to why such a sign was located so deeply in the forest, but Signless had a horrible feeling that whoever lived in these woods was not very friendly.

"Should we proceed?" the Mayor asked the troll.

Before he could answer, Signless heard the troll soldiers approaching them from behind and turned around to face them. Gorjek stood at the front of the squad, a very annoyed frown on his face.

"The Grand Highblood had instructed us to take all the exiles and move them to another place, but he didn't say anything for or against culling those that attempt escape," he growled. "So therefore, I do believe we can grant you two death wishes."

"I didn't make a death wish," the Mayor stated, trembling before the teal-blood.

"You did as soon as you stepped out of that cage," Gorjek told the Dersite as he drew a blade.

The Mayor yelped and stood behind Signless, who whipped out a pair of sickles. 

"I'm going to give you one warning Gorjek," the adult troll told the younger one. "If you attempt to fight us, it will not end well on your behalf."

"How? You're outnumbered," Gorjek said with a sneer. "Surely you're not strong enough to beat all of us. Are you just saying that to avoid a fight?"

Signless gritted his teeth but remained silent. While he had been trained ever since he was young to fight physically, he really didn't want to have to resort to killing any trolls, even if they were corrupt highbloods. He wanted to bring about peace through his words, not through violence. However, based on Gorjek's face, talking would do nothing to deter him.

Then, there was a loud monstrous cry!

"What the hell was that?!" Gorjek shouted.

Before Signless could answer, something huge crashed through the trees! It was a glacial treetrudger and it was bleeding profusely from several cuts all over it's body!

"Dear gog! What happened to it?!" Signless gasped as the Mayor began to shriek.

The lusus collapsed to the ground, where a Dersite grasping a sword jumped out and stabbed the huge animal in the neck, killing it instantly and causing burgundy blood to splatter all over his face and the grass.

Signless, the Mayor and the highblood soldiers all stared at the scene in frozen horror, until Gorjek cleared his throat and hollered, "You there! Dersite!"

Spades Slick heard the voice and looked over. "Dammit, more intruders," he muttered to himself. "Doesn't ANYONE read the signs?"

He stalked over, glaring at the teal-blood and asked, "What the fuck do you want?"

Gorjek reached into his pocket and pulled out a scroll, which he rolled open in front of Slick's face and stated, "By order of the Grand Highblood, I am authorized to place you, the lowblood troll and this other Dersite under arrest and have you transported to a designated resettlement facility."

"Resettlement facility?" Slick asked. Wait, did this have to so with that poster that group of humans he massacred the night before had? 

"Basically a new home for where you...inferior lifeforms can reside and leave us highbloods in peace," Gorjek explained.

"What if I don't want to be transported to a new home?" Slick asked.

"Then I'll have no choice but to have my troops here take you by force," Gorjek stated firmly. "They might even just straight up kill you if you fight back enough!"

Slick glanced behind Gorjek and asked, "What troops?"

Gorjek whipped around to see that the troll soldiers he had brought with him had run away, prompting him to let out a squeak of fear. He slowly glanced back at Slick, who had begun raising up his blade towards the teal-blood, prompting the young troll to bolt away, screaming, "DON'TKILLMEDON'TKILLMEDON'TKILLME!!!"

Slick laughed and began to walk back towards his recent kill, ready to butcher it for the meat.

Signless and the Mayor watched him wide-eyed, where the Mayor said, "Goodness! He scared off those highblood soldiers!"

"Impressive. It's not often they get easily frightened," Signless agreed, starting to walk in the opposite direction when the Mayor suddenly began to approach Slick.

"Mayor! What are you doing?" the mutant-blood asked.

The Mayor ignored him and approached Slick, where he said, "Excuse me, sir. Can I say something to you? I just wanted to say that you were incredible back there!"

Slick looked back towards the smaller Dersite and asked, "Are you talking to me?"

"Yes! You were great back there!" the Mayor praised. "Those highblood guards were chasing me and my friend, Mr. Signless, and they almost had us! But then you stormed in, killing this huge monster right in front of them and when they saw that, they were horrified! Well, me and Signless were too, but they were more frightened than I had ever seen a highblood before! It was astounding!"

Slick stared at the smaller Carapace. He had never been praised before, especially by one of his own kind. Actually this guy was the first of his kind he had seen in a while. He soon replied, "Yeah, sure. Whatever."

The Mayor smiled before taking a deep breath and saying, "It's good to be free!"

"Yeah? Well, go celebrate your freedom somewhere else," Slick told the Dersite. "Like with your own friends."

"I...don't have many friends. Well, I have Mr. Signless, but we can't go out there by ourselves!" Mayor stated. "We're both wanted men right now! Mostly Signless cause he's a mutant-blood troll!"

"So YOU'RE the troll everyone's been going nuts about," Slick said, looking over at the troll.

Signless nodded, "Yes, and since I have attempted escape, I might be culled the next time I encounter a highblood soldier. We are in a bit of a predicament."

"I know!" Mayor said, his eyebrows raised. "We can stay with you! You're a mean fighting machine! We'll take down anyone that crosses us."

Slick glared at the shorter Dersite, thinking to himself, "Well, there's only one way to get this annoying fuck away."

He swung his sword at the Mayor, attempting to cut the Carapacian's head off, but the little guy was quite nimble on his feet and avoided each swing, parry and lunge.

Once Slick stopped, the Mayor exclaimed, "Wow! With that swordsmanship no highblood will stand a chance! Especially teals and ceruleans. I think I heard somewhere that they all mostly use blades..."

Slick groaned in annoyance and began walking towards the dead giant sloth again, where Mayor and Signless proceeded to follow him.

"Why are you two following me?" the Dersite questioned.

"We have no idea where else to go in these woods," Signless stated. "I'm assuming you have a home around here, yes? And all those signs are yours? To keep intruders out?"

"Yeah, and if you want to keep your mutant blood in your body, you'd read the signs and get out of here," Slick snarled.

Signless sighed, "Listen, we don't want to be a burden to you. We just need help for now. If you help us, we'll help you."

"Help me? With what?" Slick asked, glaring at the troll.

"What are you doing right now?" the Mayor asked.

Slick raised his sword near the lusus' body and stabbed into it, where he proceeded to cut out a huge hunk of its meat.

"UGH! Why are you doing such a ghastly thing to that poor creature?" the Dersite politician asked. "You already killed it!"

"I'm getting food for myself," Slick stated. "I need meat to live."

"Well, there's lots of other things in these woods that you could eat that aren't animals," the Mayor suggested. "Like...a pumpkin!"

"What pumpkin?" Signless asked, looking around the area for the spoken vegetable.

"There is no pumpkin here. I was just thinking of an example," the Mayor stated.

Signless nodded, "And a good example it is. However..." The troll noticed that Slick's teeth appeared to be razor sharp while the Mayor's were more rounded. "I do believe Slick is more of a carnivore and really does need meat to live. You are an herbivore so eating fruits and vegetables won't be much of an issue for you."

Slick rolled his eyes at the duo before continuing to cut away at the sloth.

Signless observed him, frowning, before asking, "Did this glacial treesludger have a grub to look after? Or any other young that it cared for?"

"Why does it matter to you?" Slick replied.

"I'm only asking in case there's an orphaned grub wandering the forest on it's own without any sort of defense," Signless stated. "Do you realize how vulnerable grubs are in the wild?"

"Does it look like I care?" the Dersite growled, glaring back at the troll.

The mutant-blood sighed before wandering off.

"Fucking finally. I thought he'd never leave," Slick said.

He looked over to see the Mayor still standing nearby, where he asked, "Why are you still here?"

"You're the first other Dersite I've met in a long time!" the Carapacian stated. "It's important that our kind stick together in this world we live in. And when we stand together...that's when we all wiiiiin-."

"Don't sing! You're annoying enough as it is!" Slick shouted.

"Goodness! Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest!" the Mayor replied, wide-eyed.

Slick groaned before saying, "Listen, fuckass, take a good look at me! What am I?"

"Signless just said that you were a Dersite like me," the Mayor stated. "Are you not one?"

"Yes, I'm a Dersite, but I'm a higher class Dersite than you," Slick stated. "I have sharp teeth, I live on meat and blood, I'm violent as all hell! Doesn't that bother you?"

"Not really," the Mayor admitted.

Slick stared at the smaller Dersite, wide-eyed, before saying, "Seriously?"

"Yes, seriously! Why people say the same thing about trolls of any kind, and Signless doesn't seem so bad. Maybe you're not so bad either," the Mayor said.

Slick stared at the smaller Carapacian for a second before looking away and mumbling, "Right."

"Say, what's your name anyway?" the Mayor asked. "I'm the Mayor of Can Town."

"Can Town? Where the hell is that?" Slick asked. "Also if you're a mayor shouldn't your first concern be getting back to your town and saving your citizens?"

"Um..." the Mayor stammered. "Can Town isn't a real town...but one day it will be! Signless says with my good nature, I can lead a great town with democracy!"

Slick rolled his eyes, "Right," then mumbled to himself, "That town is FUCKED."

"Anyway, your name?" the Mayor asked.

Slick was silent for a moment before answering, "Spades Slick."

"Well Mr. Slick, you know what I like about you? You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-anybody-thinks-of-me thing. I like that. I respect that, Mr. Slick," the Mayor told the taller Dersite.

At that moment, Slick heard footsteps approaching, followed by Signless's voice saying, "I was right."

The two Carapacians looked over to see the troll cradling a little burgandy troll grub in his arms. "That treesludger WAS a lusus! I just found it's grub."

"Hold on, Mr. Signless," the Mayor stated. "That could be any lusus' grub. How do you know it's this one's?"

The grub squirmed in Signless's arms and looked over at the dead body of the giant white animal, where it suddenly let out a loud shriek. It climbed out of the mutant-blood's arms and ran up to the lusus, squeaking sorrowfully and burgandy tears dripping from it's eyes.

"Oh dear..." the Mayor said.

Slick rolled his eyes "How the fuck was I supposed to know it had a grub? Lusii usually keep them hidden."

"You should've at least considered that before killing it," Signless told the Dersite as he retrieved the orphaned grub.

"Well then what else am I supposed to eat?!" Slick asked. "There's no other source of meat anywhere!"

"Oh! I know!" the Mayor said, hopping up and down. "I have a good supply of canned food and drinks with me! I'd be more than happy to share!"

Slick rolled his eyes yet again and proceeded to collect any meat that he wanted to eat later that night. He then looked up at the Signless and said, "Look, if you're so worried about that grub being an orphan or dying in the woods, I can put it out of it's misery right now." He then got out his cast iron horse hitcher.

Signless became wide-eyed and gasped, "Oh no! I'm not letting you do that! I'll just...hold onto the grub until I can find a new home for it."

Slick shrugged and stood up and began to walk away.

The Mayor and Signless promptly began to follow him. Soon, they came upon Slick's old house, where the Mayor exclaimed. "Goodness! Look at that old house! Who'd want to live in such a place like this?!"

"That's my house," Slick told the short Dersite.

"And what a lovely house it is!" the Mayor added quickly, not wanting to appear rude. "It's beautiful! You're quite a decorator! I mean, look at this boulder!" The Carapacian motioned at a random boulder situated in the earth nearby. "It's quite a nice boulder!"

He then ran up to the signs Slick had painted and began to admire them. "And you are quite the artist too! Where'd you get all this paint? You make it?" he asked.

"Uh Mayor, I do believe that's lusus blood," Signless stated.

"Oh."

Signless looked around the desolate area and said to Slick, "You don't entertain much, do you?"

"I like my privacy," Slick stated firmly. Gog, he hated these guys already.

"I like my privacy too!" the Mayor exclaimed. "That's another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face," he proceeded to get up in Slick's face, though Signless doubted it was intentional. "You're trying to give them a hint to go, but they won't leave. There's that awkward silence."

There was then an awkward silence for a moment between the two Dersites. Then, Mayor asked, "Can I stay with you?"

"What?" Slick asked.

"Can I stay here with you?" Mayor repeated. "I mean, Signless has places to be, but I have nowhere to go."

Slick replied sarcastically, "Oh suuure."

"Really?" the Mayor asked, smiling.

"Fuck no!" Slick shouted, before stomping towards his house.

"Please! I don't want to go back there!" the Mayor pleaded. "You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak!" He then paused and looked over Slick, remembering that they were the same species. "Actually, maybe you do. Even more so a reason as to why we should stick together! You have to let me stay! Please! PLEASE!"

Slick threw his hands up and shouted, "Alright! You can stay, but only one night!"

"Thank you, Mr. Slick!" the Mayor cheered, before suddenly running into Slick's house.

"Hey, what the hell are you-?!" Slick shouted, following the smaller Dersite into his home to see him already getting settled on a chair.

"This is going to be wonderful! We can spend all night swapping stories and in the morning, I can make waffles!" the Mayor stated.

Slick gritted his teeth and growled lowly. His patience were really starting to wear thin with this little bastard.

"So, where do I sleep?" Mayor asked, looking around.

Slick pointed out the door and shouted, "Outside!"

"Oh," Mayor replied, getting out of the chair sheepishly and walking out the door. "I suppose that makes sense. You don't know me and I don't know you, and you probably don't have enough beds for two or three people...but I don't have an issue with sleeping on the couch!"

Slick then slammed the door in the Dersite's face, where the Mayor said, "Okay. I'll see you later or tomorrow morning!"

Signless shook his head and sighed, "A real Dersite that one, violent and hostile. It's best to leave him be, Mayor."

"But what will we do for warmth? And shelter?" Mayor asked, looking around the area.

"Don't worry. I know how to make a fire," Signless stated. "It's only for one night. Tomorrow morning, we can head out and find better places to live. No need for a shelter."

"Very well, I'll look through my cans and find something for us and this little grub to eat," the Mayor said, dropping his sack and sorting through the cans.  
Slick glared at the unwanted guests through his window and grumbled, "Why the hell am I putting up with them?"


End file.
